Here is the stone of the philosopher. If you rub it, your ribs will enlarge and you’ll look like some kind of human cage. You’ll also understand pretty much everything and have answers to life’s most difficult questions like, “What should I wear today that will make people not want to look at or talk to me?”
Here is my face. It’s a bowling ball with straight-razors sticking out of the holes. If you try to actually bowl with them you’ll lose every single time. You might get, at most, three feet into the lane before it stops. Then the guy who runs the bowling alley will be super pissed off because you’re scratching up his lane.
Here is a basket. In it: a dead armadillo. You can bring it back to life if you understand the process of galvanization, but have never heard of Three’s Company.
Here’s my hand. It’s a jungle gym made of plastic that caused a huge lawsuit because a bunch of kids got on it once and it collapsed and they broke pretty much every bone in their bodies. Don’t worry. The kids are fine. Except one of them, who died immediately.
Here’s a universal remote control for your television. If you break it in half, you can get rid of the demon’s curse. The demon’s curse turns your skin into the skin of a burnt person. You won’t feel the pain, but you’ll be humiliated and probably want to kill yourself if you value a decent social presence. If you leave the remote as it is, you can change the channel, volume, input, and even access the menu (usually) on any television made after the year 2004.
Here is a blanket. If you wear it on your head and cut out eye holes, you can pretend that you’re a ghost and save a ton of money on a Halloween costume. If not, you can use it to wrap up a body or even to wipe up spilled water if you don’t have a towel handy.
Here is a wall. It’s supposed to keep you safe. This clear part of the wall is called a “window.” You can break it with a hammer. The window is the weak point of the wall. I’ll build a house without windows so that no one can ever break in. The door will have a retina scanner and, if you aren’t in the system, a bastard sword will thrust out of the center of the door and impale potential criminals. I put a sign on my door that says “steal from this house” so that I can lure people in. I have made my own microcosmic justice system.
Here is a cellular phone. It’s supposed to be for calling but I use it to check a feed that updates me on all these people I barely talk to and updates them on me (who they barely talk to).
Here is a pillow. It’s good for smothering or sleeping. The secondary function is the more popular one, strangely enough. It’s good for staring at the ceiling when you can’t sleep and not realizing your eyes have been open the whole time while you’re thinking about how the fuck you’re going to have the money to pay the electric bill in this blazing-hot summer.