I Heard

I heard that, to make laugh tracks sound like people actually laughing at vapid jokes, they put lightning rods on the backs of giants that walk along the floor of our universe and — when they catch a rare interstellar bolt of black lightning (not body wash for black people, by the way) — they compress the audio files in FLAC and then destroy the hard drive the file is on and bury the hard drive under the home of an old woman and then they replace that sound file with people that are pretending to laugh.

I heard that, in order to get the best tasting salt, you have to actually harvest it from your arm pit and I also heard that it’s particularly hard to do because you have to either not shower or shower very carefully in order to not get any water on your arm pits and you have to be patient enough to let a particular fungus grow there and then even more patient because you have to wait for a few years before it crystallizes.

I heard that Alexa, the girl from the coffee shop on the corner of Amerin and Dooley, has a pet rock that tried to kill her when she forgot to feed it for a few days and some scientists got together because everyone always thought pet rocks were inanimate, but they actually discovered that they were only docile because people actually fed them and cared about them but then they’d throw them out and never see the downside to being the parent of a rock but that’s why there are so many things moving around under piles of trash in the landfills